Sarah Palin Has the Right Idea With Glen Rice
Published on: September 15, 2011 | Written by: Hayley Frank
The Huffington Post just reported today that legendary author and actress Jackie Collins recently said, “Good-looking women cannot get elected into office.” She explained that no man wants to think about a woman in politics in a sexual light.
I know one person who would vehemently disagree with that, and his name is Glen Rice.
Granted, before this story I had never heard of this Glen Rice character. As I’ve stressed before, the extent of my basketball player knowledge is limited to the 1995 Houston Rockets Dream Team, with an emphasis on Clyde The Glide and Sam Cassell (only because when my dad shaved his mustache one fateful day back in the mid-nineties, he looked exactly like Sam Cassell, and not in a good way. Also, he wasn’t black. But the image was burned into my brain forever, and Tom has never shaved his luxurious ‘stache since.)
I am also familiar with a handful of others: Charles Barkley, because of his inability to pronounce the letter “e” and his struggles with phonics in general; Shaquille O’Neal, because I once saw a replica of his size 22 shoe in a museum; and Lamar Odom/Kris Humphries, because together they’ve bravely conquered 2/3 of the Kardashian clan.
And now, thanks to Sarah Palin’s raging hormones, I can add Glen Rice to my ever-growing list. According to the New York Daily News (and virtually every other news site on the Internet), the former Vice-Presidential hopeful had a one-night stand in 1987 with the then-Michigan basketball star, who was playing a tournament in Alaska. Palin was a TV sports reporter at the time, and sources claim that she was definitely the aggressor in the tryst.
So Sarah likes a little chocolate in her milk—so what? Who doesn’t?
But with raw, unadulterated sex appeal like this…
…who could honestly expect her NOT to spread it around?
With all that our country’s basketball players have done for us over the years—ceaselessly dribbling balls all over the place, entertaining us with cinematic ingenuity, generally just making us all feel better about our own lives—it’d be a sin to deny them their carnal pleasures. An even BIGGER sin than Bristol Palin getting impregnated out of wedlock by a douchebag who posed for Playgirl.
From what I can tell, all Glen Rice has ever done is win a bunch of NBA tournaments, inspire little kids with athletic aspirations, and perpetuate the American Dream for all of us. If Sarah Palin really cares about America like she says she does, then she had no choice except to sleep with Glen Rice. So kudos, Sarah Palin; you have successfully made up for being the reason we know the name Levi Johnston.
Personally, I think this is great for Palin’s image: it gives her street cred, and she’s bound to get an SNL skit or two out of this.
In fact, I feel more women in politics should employ this tactic. I’ve thought about it a little (read: a lot) and I feel confident it could do wonders for the following political bombshells and their potential booty-calls:
Janet Reno and Kareem Abdul Jabbar
With the combined forces of their understated optical apparel, their lovechild would have 20/20 vision, saving them thousands on future ophthalmologist appointments. In this economy, every last cent counts, and maybe they could even save up enough to buy Janet a sex-change operation (to female). Then she could wear those sexy high-heels she’s always fantasized about.
(Note: Hayley attached a photo of James Worthy instead of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but this made things even funnier so I didn't correct it.)
Condoleeza Rice and Ron Artest
Condi is a woman who means business; I feel like she’d really know how to keep a man in line. I can actually hear her saying, “Lock it up, Ron,” and see her shaking her head the next time Ron shaves something absurd into his head.
Now we all know a caged bird never learns to fly, but maybe it’s in everyone’s best interest if Ron Artest just stays put on the ground for a while… or maybe in a padded room with white walls, for eternity.
If you need proof of this, we can talk about that time he thanked his therapist after winning the NBA championship…or that time he released a rap album… or that time he threatened to kill someone…
But Ron better bring his A-game, because he’s going to have some stiff competition with that romantically crafty Muammar Gaddafi.
Michele Bachmann and Kobe Bryant
Michele Bachmann has said a lot of crazy things so far, one of the craziest being an inadvertent accusation that Obama somehow caused the swine flu. So, Michele is good at blaming people for things they didn’t do, right? Well you know who’s good at being blamed for things he didn’t do? (There is no truth to the rumor that Kobe Bryant's Eagle, Colorado defense attorneys paid me $10k to write that previous sentence. Coincidentally, if you don't hear from me for the next two weeks, I'll be vacationing in Ibiza).
Michele will accuse Kobe of not listening to her when she is telling him about the new floral drapes she bought for the living room at TJ Maxx earlier that day, and Kobe will calmly deny her allegations, then buy her a piece of jewelry worth all of our salaries combined. If more men handled things this way, deteriorating marriages everywhere would be saved. This is a match made in heaven if I’ve ever seen one.
Hillary Clinton and Dirk Nowitzki
The reasoning behind this one is simple: Bill Clinton is a straight up P-I-M-P. Don’t believe me? He even has a Twitter to prove it. Recent Tweet on the Palin/Rice one-night stand:
So Hillary Clinton is used to being married to a pimp. She’s already conquered an American pimp, so it’d only make sense for her to continue her conquests with a German pimp (the best kind). It’s simple Pimpology, people; I didn’t make the rules, I just talk about them on this blog.
Before I go, I’ll leave you with this vintage Palin clip. That aura radiating off of her is probably due to her basking in the afterglow of a Rice romp.
Get it, girl.