Five Bachelorette Details That Will Make a Woman Sleep With You This Week
Published on: May 30, 2012 | Written by: Hayley Frank
Here you have it, guys, the Top 5 things you need to know in order to efficiently communicate with a woman this week. If this doesn’t work for you, then look down real quick and check to see if you’re wearing Crocs, jorts, or some combination of the two. If so, I cannot do anything for you; you need much more than a Bachelorette article to help you now, and I don’t have the time or frankly the desire to help you. I know some of you are outraged to find such absurd material as Bachelorette commentary on a SPORTS website and simply can’t fathom any self-respecting human being wanting to read about anything other than the sportiest sports highlights of the day (ahem, Grey Thompson). But for those of you with a palate for pop culture (and a sense of humor), enjoy this insight.
(Editor's note from Clay. Lots of people love reading things other than sports. Including me. Especially while it's another boring day at work. Please refer to the opening credo of the site, the goal is to be smart, funny, and entertaining. If your comment doesn't manage any of the three, why should your comment have any validity whatsover? Put simply, it doesn't. So if your comment is that you don't want to read something that's funny because it isn't sports related, don't read. Or write me and bitch. Don't make yourself look like a tool on our message board.)
Tony, whom we formerly mistook for a man in his early 30s, is actually a 12 year old little girl with uncontrollable tear ducts.
Just a heads up, guys: When you’re hunched over in the fetal position crying your eyes out and a hot girl tells you “you’re so cute,” just know that that indubitably translates to “you’re so pathetic and I now need some sort of verification that you actually do, in fact, have a penis.” Needless to say, Emily did herself (and us) a huge favor and sent Tony packing during his throes of weeping misery over the fact that he missed being away from his young son Taylor so much and couldn’t handle it any longer.
In other news, Tony has successfully secured Taylor’s future as a flamboyant gay man, as the show aired clips of him talking to Taylor in some sort of disturbing Teletubbie voice (the purple one, to be exact—Tinky Winky, I think?) With Tina* as his father figure, that poor boy doesn’t have a chance in Hell.
*what I now call Tony.
Sweet popped collar sweater, Tina.
Chris is an idiot savant idiot.
On their date, Emily made Chris scale a wall with her in order to get to dinner. Never missing an opportunity to look like a moron, Chris immediately imparted this sagacious gem of wisdom unto all of us less astute peons: “You know, climbing up a building is just like love. We’re gonna start out at the bottom right now and then work our way up.” Thanks, Chris, now I have an analogy for you: “You know, Chris, listening to you talk is just like the mass raping of America’s innocent eardrums. We’re gonna start out with shallow little razor cuts on our wrists right now and then work our way up to full-out slicing of our jugular veins.”
Don’t you even think about reaching for that second donut or else Ryan won’t touch you with a ten-foot pole.
First of all, I have to say that Ryan is truly the absolute epitome of a meathead. I know I talk about meatheads all the time, but I’ve never genuinely known the true meaning of the word until Ryan. Every time Ryan speaks, all I can imagine running through his brain at any given moment are images of men tackling each other, Double D cup breasts, beer guzzler helmets, and slabs of raw, bloody meat. That's it. Just a steady rotation of those things. When fellow contestant Arie actually had a decent, comprehensible conversation with Emily one time, Ryan quickly and condescendingly labeled Arie a “dainty man.” If intelligent conversation equals daintiness, then Ryan is the manliest testosterone-filled he-man to ever drag his knuckles across this green earth.
But the most notable characteristic of Ryan is that he is simply amazing at small talk.
At one point on the show, Ryan has the undivided attention of Emily as well as her closest friends, and it’s absolutely incredible what he chooses to talk about.
When one of Emily’s best friends jokingly asked how he’d feel if Emily ever got fat some day, he sincerely responded, “I would still love you, Emily, I might just not love ON you as much.”
Oh, Ryan. Bless your beefy little heart.
Ryan could have said literally anything other than that and been better off. Actually, he could have just grunted and reached down to barbarically scratch his manhood while even drooling a little bit (which is probably how he is most accustomed to communicating anyway) and he would’ve made a better impression on these horrified women.
Ryan baking cookies with Emily, which he probably didn't let her eat.
Kalon said the most dangerous 13 words that have ever been uttered on this show in history.
“I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.”-Kalon to Emily, after she cut him off, in what could have been his final, dying words on this earth.
Any one who is even remotely familiar with the female species knows that this sort of nonsense is right up there with Ryan’s brilliant choice of words. Telling a woman to be quiet is like telling Clay not to Tweet about the female anatomy. Not only is it preposterous to even suggest, but it is virtually impossible to quell.
Alessandro is the best thing to ever happen to this show television in general.
I’ve saved the absolute best for last. Who do I have to speak to in order to get this man his own reality show?
In one single episode, Alessandro willingly and openly divulged all of the following:
-He’s had a one-night stand
-He’s cheated on a girlfriend
-He’s had an intimately romantic relationship with his cousin
-He is incapable at successfully keeping a pet alive
-He views marrying Emily and becoming a stepdad to her young daughter as a “huge compromise” for him
-Did I mention he's had an intimately romantic relationship with his cousin? Because that happened.
This is TV casting at its finest, and I want to personally shake the hand of the producers for wisely recruiting this man to potentially sweep Emily off of her feet.
Alessandro is a foreigner with a distinct accent, so when he rattled off the whole “being with you is a compromise” line, naturally Emily chalked it up to a language barrier and asked if he maybe misunderstood what he was saying, and his response couldn’t have been better.
“No. I am 100% confident in what I am saying right now.”
Well, okay then. Take a hint, Emily. And take a hike. Alessandro doesn’t need you or this silly dating show; he has his entire family tree to pick from.
Until next time...