All That and a Bag of Mail: Cereal Portrait Edition
Published on: May 25, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis
Ah, UK basketball fans, the dumbest fan base in sports, thank you for existing.
Whether it's your classy portrait in UK gear alongside your cocker spaniel, your gorgeous twins at the SEC tournament, or your guy eating cereal who thinks, hey, Anthony Davis's skin is pretty much the same shade as my Reese's Cocoa Puffs, thank you for existing.
You know what Alabama football fans think when they look at Kentucky basketball fans?
And then Kentucky fans responded, "Nun-uh your dumber."
Anyway, thanks for existing Kentucky fans. (And for wearing jorts as you pose alongside your cereal masterpiece. WIth your little brother with the broken arm and the blue cast. Seriously, you can't even make this stuff up.).
So our beaver pelt trader of the week is Danny Palmer, the UK fan who made this picture in the first place.
My co-host on 3HL Brent Dougherty asked this question and it's perfect for the mailbag:
Which SEC coach do you think is most likely to be reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" at next week's SEC spring meetings.
To begin, "Fifty Shades of Grey" has sold 10 million copies in the past six weeks.
Putting that level of book sales into perspective is almost impossible. The best way to put it is this series is selling like Harry Potter with bondage. (I know a bunch of y'all just had dirty thoughts about Hermione. I, however, was not one of them. Honest. Now Cho Chang...)
The first obstacle we have to cross is this one -- how many SEC football coaches actually read books?
Les Miles is clearly off the list.
Same with Gene Chizik
So, really, what you're ranking is who is the most likely to read a book and then secondarily who is the most likely to read a book that is designed for women.
Here's my top five list:
1. Nick Saban
I feel like Saban would read the book to gain a recruiting advantage.
Who does Saban have to win over? Moms. What are moms reading right now? "Fifty Shades of Grey."
It's all a part of the process.
2. Bobby Petrino
He's looking for anything to win back his wife right now.
So anything he sees his wife doing, he's doing.
You should taste his lemon meringue pie! (Not a double entendre, I swear).
3. Mark Richt
So he can have an opinion when the Athens public library decides whether or not to ban the book.
He will be pro-ban.
4. Derek Dooley
He is going to do whatever Nick Saban does.
So Dooley will bring up "Fifty Shades of Grey" with the only recruit living with a single father.
5. Joker Phillips
Because he found out Bobby Petrino was reading it and doesn't want to be surprised by any questions when the two are interviewed to be UK's next coach in November.
"Showtime or Cinemax..it's a late Friday night..which one ya watch?"
Here's the deal, I don't look at any porn on my computer anymore because if you do that inevitably your computer catches an STV, a sexually transmitted virus.
They say that one in every four people have a sexually transmitted disease, well, like 90% of men have an STV on their computer.
Odds are lots of y'all are reading this column on a lumbering laptop computer that sounds like an old man when you turn it on every morning. It takes live five minutes to load, you actually turn it on and then go do something else because you know if you sit and wait in front of it, the warm up is endless.
You might as well call your computer Juwan Howard.
So my porn viewing is all TV, I've gone back in time to when I was a kid and used to watch scrambled Playboy. You remember back in the early 1990's how you used to wait ten minutes to see a sideways blue boob bleeding through? Those were the days.
Anyway, late night Cinemax on demand on Comcast is amazing.
It's basically porn without the penises.
Which is awesome.
I'm kind of in porn love with Heather VanDeven right now. Who you can find on Twitter here.
She only has 7,000 followers but her work in Cinemax's "Life on Top" and "Housewives from Another World" is sublime.
She's like the Meryl Streep of late-night Cinemax actresses. No one is better.
So, Cinemax is the answer. Comparing it to Showtime is actually kind of an insult. Like comparing Nick Saban to Gene Chizik or America to North Korea.
Here is Heather dressed as a sexy Communist.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
Pretend you're the ACC commish, what can you do to keep FSU and maybe Clemson or Miami from leaving?
1. Hire Heather VanDeven.
2. Send her Tallahasse with each member of the board of trustees home address.
3. Blackmail board of trustees members.
Voila, Florida State is pledged to the ACC for another generation at least.
Assuming that ACC commish Swofford isn't willing to blackmail board of trustee members with Cinemax actresses, he's doing everything he can to keep the schools. Which basically means he's calling the school presidents all the time and whispering tender words of endearment to them.
Clearly, this isn't that helpful.
Which is why I wrote this week that he's basically waiting to see what options Florida State actually has. (Hell, Clemson had a public board meeting for its trustees yesterday and exited to say they had no real offers, but were open to any that might come. So basically the school is pimping itself out.)
Anyway, I think you have to go ahead and take the next step, which is preparing to add more schools if necessary.
Given that FSU leaving would set off a potential chain reaction involving the SEC and the Big Ten, I'd go ahead and do my due diligence on UConn and Rutgers and have both schools primed to join if I'm going to lose two members. (If I thought FSU and Miami were likely to leave as a pair then I'd call South Florida and have them teed up to join. You have to have a team in Florida and USF is the best option.)
At worst, you kill the Big East and survive.
The absolute worst place you could find yourself is sitting with just Clemson, North Carolina, Wake Forest, Duke, and Boston College in your conference for 2013.
So you have to prepare for departures.
Did the PAC 12 make a mistake by not accepting Oklahoma and Oklahoma State? With the Big 12 looking stable who would make sense for the PAC 12 with the current move toward 16 team power conferences.
I think some fans have gotten too fixated on the idea of 16 team conferences. Sixteen team conferences only make sense if the 16 teams make financial sense. A 16 team SEC with additional teams in Virginia and North Carolina makes a ton of sense.
A 16 team Big Ten with top academic institutions in Georgia, Virginia, and Maryland makes a ton of sense.
But 16 teams doesn't make as much sense elsewhere.
For instance, the Pac 12 can only grow by taking teams from the Big 12.
But how many teams in the Big 12 would the Pac 12 actually want?
Texas and Oklahoma, right?
Well, Oklahoma comes with Oklahoma State and Texas won't come. So, really, the question becomes, is getting Oklahoma worth taking Oklahoma State too?
The Pac12 rejected this move because two teams in Oklahoma is one too many.
The SEC felt the same way.
So, no, I think the Pac 12 made the right call to stay at 12.
If Lolo Jones is a virgin, why did she pose nude in the ESPN the body issue? Isn't that a conflict?
But conflicts just make people more interesting.
Here's the photo of Lolo Jones.
Is this the sexiest an ottoman has ever looked?
By the time the Olympics are complete, Lolo will be one of the most famous women in the world.
Primarily because she's a virgin.
Now, I tend to think that virgins posing nude would be rare. Just like I tend to think most girls don't lose their virginity in porn movies. (Porn movie plots notwithstanding).
But she has the right to define her sexuality as she sees fit.
I'm sure her point would be that virgins can be sexy without having sex.
That position wouldn't make her popular in the Middle East, and you certainly have the right to call her the ultimate cock tease, but the point is, she controls her own moral code.
And she's about to be really damn rich thanks to the choices she's made.
So, clearly, something's working for her.