15 Reasons to Hate LSU or Alabama
Published on: November 03, 2011 | Written by: Clay Travis
Amazingly, lots of you who read OKTC hate the SEC. Earlier this year our man JT gave you a reason to hate every school in the SEC. His article was wildly popular. Yet, if anything, the SEC hate has only grown since then. That happens when the two best teams in the country are still in the SEC even after five consecutive national titles. Come Saturday millions of people who would just as soon the entire South drift away from the rest of the country -- a modern day Mason Dixon line would be somewhere South of Cuba -- will tune in to CBS to watch the two best college football teams in the country decide who the 2011 national champion will be.
Update: Now the country has even more reason to hate LSU and Alabama, they're playing twice.
Lots of these haters -- we've ommitted the z for now -- will find it difficult to choose a side to root for or against.
So OKTC has simplified things for you by creating a handy hater's guide for LSU and Alabama. Once you decide on a side to hate, go ahead and print off our drinking game guide for LSU-Bama as well. You'll be all set to be an angry drunk.
Now, as a preliminary, we don't hate either of these schools - in fact, I personally like them both -- but we do know that many of you pick a side by first choosing who to hate.
So without further ado, here's a hater's guide to the biggest college football game in SEC history.
15 Reasons to Hate LSU
1. The old stand-by hater line is that LSU fans smell like corndogs.
Mention this insult to LSU fans and they become purple with rage. Like Troy Landry when a big alligator gets away. It's the single greatest fan insult of the 21st century. In Dixieland Delight I traced the etymology of the insult back to Oklahoma fans insulting Oklahoma State, but suffice it to say that the corndog line has become permanently attached to LSU.
And it's impossible for LSU fans to shake this insult.
Don't believe me? Hundreds of Alabama fans will have corndogs at their tailgates come Saturday. Just to drive LSU fans even a bit more insane.
2. Riverboat gambling is a classy night out in Baton Rouge.
The second most popular classy night out on the town?
Throwing urine on bums.
3. Hate the French? Louisiana is the primary reason the French have any influence in our country.
Want proof New Orleans is overrated? The population peaked in 1960. Yes, that's right, fifty years ago more people lived in the city than today. (And it's not because of Katrina. Stop those emails now.) It's because every politician ever elected in the city's history makes Richard Nixon look like Jesus.
Geaux to Hell. (Or, in the opposite direction, to your freezer. Where the thousands of dollars in bribery money is hidden).
4. One of LSU's quarterbacks is accused of kicking a marine in the head during a brawl.
He will be starting in the BCS title game.
5. LSU fans urinate off the top of the stadium and they don't care who their urine lands on.
Now that honorary doctorate to R. Kelly makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?
6. Cajun men shave their legs.
This is both unbelievable and underdiscussed.
What's more, they are proud of this decision.
7. LSU spent over a million dollars on a massive habitat for their tiger mascot next to the football stadium.
Many children in New Orleans still do not have school buildings.
8. Coonass is a Cajun term of endearment.
Meaning Al Sharpton has had to cancel fourteen million Louisiana protests a day after they were scheduled.
9. Contrary to popular perception Mardi Gras boob flashers are mostly fat women with herpes.
Louisiana: "Mostly fat women with herpes," would, not surprisingly, fail to bring in many tourist dollars.
So we pretend this isn't true.
But we all know it is.
10. Two words: JaMarcus Russell
Yes, I know, even Andre Smith's pendulous manboobs think JaMarcus Russell also now resembles a fat woman with herpes at Mardi Gras. In fact, in the crowd outside the BCS title game, there's a 99% chance that JaMarcus Russell is flashing his boobs for beads on Bourbon Street.
Be honest, did it really surprise you that the biggest bust in NFL history -- if you consider his salary Russell is a bigger bust than either Ryan Leaf or Akili Smith -- came from LSU?
What percentage of Russell's signing bonus went to beignets from Cafe Du Monde? Gotta be 75%, right?
Actually, Russell could count on both of these hater guides since he's from Alabama. Leading to this punchline. You know what you get when you combine a number one draft pick born in Alabama with college in Louisiana? $39 million dollars worth of purple drank.
11. With his blond hair the Honey Badger looks like Wesley Snipes from Demolition Man.
This is not a compliment.
In case you've forgotten Demolition Man was a 1993 movie set in the future. Wesley Snipes was roundly ridiculed for the hairstyle then. Eighteen years later, here we go again. (Insert Verne Lundquist chortle).
12. LSU players smoke synthetic weed.
Smoking synthetic weed is like having sex with a blow-up doll. Which, not surprisingly, is the second favorite past time of LSU fans.
The first? DUI's.
13. The single most famous historical event in the state of Louisiana's history is the Battle of New Orleans.
It was fought after the War of 1812 was already over.
Yep, people from Louisiana are so chronically late, they even miss the deadline on wars.
14. Every piece of urine and feces in the middle of the country eventually ends up in Louisiana.
To be fair, most of them aren't people.
15. Napoleon, the most grandiose and megalomaniacal ruler since Alexander the Great, chose to sell Louisiana because he didn't think it was worth the trouble.
Two hundred years later, damn, he was a smart man.
15 Reasons to Hate Alabama:
1. You've got to start with the Bama Bangs haircut.
How can an entire state adopt the most feminine haircut in the country? Even more of an indictment, how can women sleep with these men? That's even more ridiculous.
Somehow Alabama is to blame for Justin Bieber.
Baby, that's a fact.
2. Alabama fans want a genius for a football coach and a President they can share a beer with.
The rest of the country thinks this is backwards.
3. Alabama has more fans without GED's than any university in the country.
This is a fact.
Moving right along.
4. Nick Saban blamed Alabama fans for the 2009 Sugar Bowl loss.
Alabama fans agreed with him.
Yep, Alabama fans, patron saints of domestic abuse, also get domestically abused by their own coach.
5. All schools have sore losers. Alabama's kill campus treasures that have been alive for over a hundred years.
And if you think it was a surprise that an Alabama fan did this, you have never been to Alabama.
6. Bear Bryant, the most revered man in the state's history, was a racist alcoholic.
What more can you say?
7. Grown men cheer with pom-pons.
Watch the cheerleaders distribute the pom-pons before the game. Fraternity guys nearly fight over the final couple of free pom-pons. This. Really. Happens.
8. Despite having no job and two children under the age of five, Trent Richardson drives three luxury vehicles.
Alabama fans think this is completely normal.
How dare you question how this could happen?
9. Your starting quarterback's tattoo looks like this.
Yet, somehow it is still the classiest tattoo that any Alabama fan has.
Don't believe me?
This guy actually exists.
He's the Governor.
10. Tuscaloosa is Cherokee for "piece of shit town."
The only good thing about the Trail of Tears? No one had to go back to Tuscaloosa.
11. Bernie Madoff is the most successful Alabama student of the past fifty years.
Of course he also embezzled billions of dollars via the largest pyramid scheme in American history and is serving life in prison.
12. Julio Jones, an unemployed student whose mom worked at KFC, had at least sixteen suits while he played for the Crimson Tide.
You are a gay racist -- a gaycist -- if you question how this is possible.
13. Alabama has not been called for holding in an SEC game since 1964.
When an SEC official mistakenly made this call, he was forced to move to the only place in the world worse than Tuscaloosa...Tehran.
14. Governor George Wallace stood in the school house door at Alabama to keep black students from enrolling at the university.
Thousands of people who voted for him multiple times to be Governor and President will be in the stands at the BCS title game.
15. Initially the Confederacy had their national capitol in Alabama, but then they moved it.
Yep, Alabama, you weren't even good enough for the Confederate States of America.
I like to picture Jefferson Davis, in an early signing day surprise, picking up the Virginia cavalier hat and tossing aside the Alabama kepi.
Can you beat these? Post them on the message board below.
You've got a whole new chance now that the rematch is set.
OKTC's Grass Bowl Coverage