Here you have it, guys, the Top 5 things you need to know in order to efficiently communicate with a woman this week. If this doesn’t work for you, then look down real quick and check to see if you’re wearing Crocs, jorts, or some combination of the two. If so, I cannot do anything for you; you need much more than a Bachelorette article to help you now, and I don’t have the time or frankly the desire to help you. I know some of you are outraged to find such absurd material as Bachelorette commentary on a SPORTS website and simply can’t fathom any self-respecting human being wanting to read about anything other than the sportiest sports highlights of the day (ahem, Grey Thompson). But for those of you with a palate for pop culture (and a sense of humor), enjoy this insight.

(Editor's note from Clay. Lots of people love reading things other than sports. Including me. Especially while it's another boring day at work. Please refer to the opening credo of the site, the goal is to be smart, funny, and entertaining. If your comment doesn't manage any of the three, why should your comment have any validity whatsover? Put simply, it doesn't. So if your comment is that you don't want to read something that's funny because it isn't sports related, don't read. Or write me and bitch. Don't make yourself look like a tool on our message board.)

Sandestin, FL

Nick Saban is Mike Slive's most trusted coaching ally when it comes to advocating for the SEC's positions in the ongoing cold war over a college football playoff.

It hasn't gotten much attention thus far, but using Saban as the SEC's most cogent and eloquent advocate is a stroke of brilliance by Slive. Yesterday, as the media swarmed Saban, most questions dealt with the details surrounding the upcoming playoff.

Hardly any dealt with Alabama's upcoming 2012 season.

Instead, media wanted to know what Saban's take on a college football playoff was. And Saban was happy to oblige.

Saban's entree into the playoff debate began back in March when he shot down the idea of conference champions advancing to the four-team playoff. Back then Saban told OKTC:  "I don't think there's a parity in college football like there is in the NFL, where you can make a statement like that. No disrespect to any conference, but there are conferences that are in the BCS that if they played in the SEC their champion may be in fourth or fifth place. So because there's not a parity, I don't think it's fair to make a statement like that."

"I have a tremendous amount of respect for Roy Kramer and all commissioners of major conferences in the country. No disrespect to anyone. I disagree with that. If you're one of the two best teams you should be able to play in the game and we were fortunate to have the opportunity to get back in the game this year and I think we proved with our performance that we should have been in the game." 

 Let me start by saying that I have much love for Tim Riggins, Taylor Kitsch, and Tim Riggins.  I sincerely hope that Taylor’s career is everything he wants it to be.  Seriously. I want him to do well. Unfortunately, 2012 has not been too kind to him.  According to Box Office Mojo, John Carter, which had a production budget of approx. $250 million, has made $72.1 million domestically, and Battleship, which had a production budget of approx. $290 million, made $25.3 million in its opening weekend.  (To be fair, both of these films have done much better internationally, with John Carter bringing in $200 million and Battleship bringing in $215 million.)  I don’t blame Disney for spending so much money on John Carter.  Two-plus hours of a shirtless, leather-clad Tim Riggins?  Seems like a no-brainer.  I also didn’t mind seeing him in uniform in the Battleship trailers.  But have I seen either of these films?  No.  Will I watch them eventually?  Probably.  When?  When they become TNT New Classics. 

Since Taylor deserves better support from his fan base (me), I’d like to propose a few potential remakes and/or sequels for his agent’s consideration.  These films will ensure that he is taken seriously as an actor and that his torso will grace the big screen for years to come.

Ah, UK basketball fans, the dumbest fan base in sports, thank you for existing. 

Whether it's your classy portrait in UK gear alongside your cocker spaniel, your gorgeous twins at the SEC tournament, or your guy eating cereal who thinks, hey, Anthony Davis's skin is pretty much the same shade as my Reese's Cocoa Puffs, thank you for existing. 

You know what Alabama football fans think when they look at Kentucky basketball fans?

"Your dumb."

And then Kentucky fans responded, "Nun-uh your dumber."

Anyway, thanks for existing Kentucky fans. (And for wearing jorts as you pose alongside your cereal masterpiece. WIth your little brother with the broken arm and the blue cast. Seriously, you can't even make this stuff up.).

So our beaver pelt trader of the week is Danny Palmer, the UK fan who made this picture in the first place. 

In a war of words that will soon you have you begging Steve Spurrier to leave the golf course and make fun of someone or something, Texas A&M's Kevin Sumlin and Florida's Will Muschamp are feuding over whether or not College Station is a nice place to visit. 

Last week Will Muschamp uncorked a "zinger" on the rubber chicken route. “You ever been to College Station? It'll be the only time you go,” Muschamp told the Polk County Gator Club.

Now word has reached Sumlin. 

And you don't want to see Kevin Sumlin when he's angry!

He's wild, he's out of control. 

He's...responding to a bad joke by taking it seriously. 

Want to sleep with more women?

Don't know how.  

The answer is easy: watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights.

If you can’t do that (or refuse to do that), your only other option is to know the key players this season, and know them well enough to pretend you're watching.

Which is where I come in. 

Lucky for you, I’ve created your handy Bachelorette All-Star Roster (see how I put that in sports terms for you? I am too good to you people) to study and reference before your next interaction with any females.

By the way, I don’t know why I’m even doing this for you guys. If y'all remember correctly, I was in your shoes not too long ago. Football season was upon us, and I suddenly had no idea how to interact with the opposite sex. If someone would’ve created a cheat sheet for me during football season, I would’ve been indebted to him forever. Instead, I had to fend for myself during that dark and lonely period. I wisely knew the best way to get a man’s attention was to incorporate some sort of football lingo into my daily vernacular; the problem was, HOW. I typically stuck to something like “So, this football game … is it over yet?” Or, if my prey was a tougher nut to crack, I’d try the more perceptive, thoughtful approach of, “Wow, I thoroughly enjoyed that last goal. I can’t wait for the next football match.” Or, if ever in a pinch or if time was of the essence, I’d just arbitrarily yell out “SPORTS!!!” (I am not endorsing any of these methods, girls, and I won’t be held responsible for the outcome if you try them out.)

See, lots of women fake football knowledge to be more attractive to men. You can do the same. Fake Bachelor/Bachelorette knowledge well enough and women will sleep with you. 

Really. 

Today ACC commissioner John Swofford appeared on our 3HL radio show on 104.5 in Nashville and strongly rejected the idea that Florida State, Clemson, or Miami may be considering a move to the Big 12. Asked whether he was surprised by comments from TCU AD Chris del Conte this morning that the Big 12 "now has schools like Florida State, Clemson, and Miami (that) are trying to get in,", Swofford replied: "Yes, it would (surprise him.) I base that on talking to their presidents and their AD’s who have told me that there have been absolutely no contact or conversation with the Big 12. The Big 12 commissioner told me the same thing yesterday. So, yes I find those comments, (chuckling) just one more rumor."

You can listen to the entire interview here. 

Swofford also said he would be disappointed if any universities were not being straightforward with him, "Yeah, we’ve got a league in which, you know, people sit in a room and talk very forthrightly with each other. There’s a lot of respect within the room, there is a lot of trust within the room, and on this particular subject, and by the subject I mean conference affiliation, I think we’ve all learned, or should have over the last two or three years that there are an awful lot of things put out there that have no foundation or basis of truth and often times are irresponsible in being out there in the first place. That is part of the world we live in unfortunately.  Consequently what I pay attention to, and what we pay attention to in this league are what is said from our presidents and their AD’s and quite honestly I have talked to each of those presidents within the last 48 hours and that’s not at all what I’m hearing from our schools."

Further elaborating on the future of the conference, Swofford said, "I feel very good about our league and its solidarity and where we’re headed."

Virginia Tech fans have caught SEC fever.

I can see the early signs, the emails and Twitter messages are flooding in to OKTC, the same kind of early emails that started at Texas A&M and Missouri and slowly swept through the fanbases. Florida State's flirtation with the Big 12 has shown Virginia Tech fans the light, they want to be in the best conference in America. And now they're starting to make their voices heard. 

One of the most fascinating things about conference expansion has been the extent to which it's driven from the bottom up as opposed to the top down. These aren't athletic directors and school presidents sitting on high making a decision about the future of their athletic programs and universities, these are fans, sitting in front of their computers, on Facebook, on Twitter, on talk radio, on message boards, driving up the interest amongst each other until the administration feels compelled to act.

It's conference realignment revolution. 

ACC commissioner John Swofford is the new Dan Beebe. 

You remember Beebe, right? Last year's Big 12 commissioner whose perceived ineptitude in the face of seismic changes in the college landscape led to his eventual replacement by the wizened Chuck Neinas, a man so old he began his commissioner days before passing the football was allowed. As Texas A&M and Missouri left for the SEC, Beebe worked around the clock to gently massage Texas as the rest of the Big 12 raged against the dying of the conference light. 

Everywhere you turned on the Internet Beebe was lampooned for going down with the Big 12 ship. He became the Carrott Top of conference commissioners, the only professional casualty of realignment. Indeed, the only good public relations Dan Beebe ever received was from a fake Twitter account which continues to riff on the changing landscape of college athletics. 

A fired Beebe fled the college athletics scene and has not been heard from since. 

He now works as a short-order cook in a Stillwater Waffle House. 

So far Beebe is the biggest loser of all in conference realignment. 

Last year the Big 12 was a dead conference walking after Texas A&M and Missouri bolted for the SEC. 

Then something magical happened, the Pac 12 decided it didn't want Oklahoma. Already Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Baylor, and Texas Tech were without other conference options. Once the Pac 12 rejected Oklahoma and Oklahoma State that meant of the eight remaining schools in the conference only Texas had any real options to leave the Big 12. 

And Texas already ruled the Big 12.

So after losing Colorado, Nebraska, Texas A&M and Missouri the Big 12 truly hit rock bottom with a solid core of eight teams that weren't going anywhere. After near death came the bounce back additions of TCU and West Virginia. 

Then came guaranteed television money and the 13 year grant of rights that led to further stability. 

Once the other seven teams in the conference realized they had no true options the Big 12 wasn't a dead conference walking anymore. Everyone had to get together and work everything out.